No one is listening until you fart.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Always remember you are unique. Just like everyone else.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you think no one cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If you lend a person $20, and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

There are two theories to argueing with women. Neither one works.

Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your mouth is moving.

Never miss a chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

No one says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has no trade-in value.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Procrastination is like masturbation; it feels good, until you realize you've just fucked yourself.

- Eli the Black